6 Movies I Find Unrelatable Because They’re Dick Flicks

  1. The Godfather​: Note how this film is called ​The Godfather ​and not ​The Godmother​. Dick flick. This is about the complex relationship between fathers and sons, starring Marlon Brando and Al Pacino in an epic display of toxic masculinity. There’s violence and murders and mobsters and, given that I am clearly a chick with boobs and lipstick and blood that comes out of my vagina on a semi-regular monthly basis, I don’t understand why anybody would think I’d be interested in this movie.
  2. Citizen Kane​: When I first heard the title, I thought, maybe this will be relatable, as I too am a citizen. But when I saw it starred Orson Welles, I was like, uggh, this is definitely going to be a dick flick. Of course I was right, as it is about the rise and fall of a newspaper magnate in the early 20th century. Now perhaps if this film were about a smart, young woman landing a job as the assistant to the demanding editor-in-chief of a high fashion magazine (wait, that’s The Devil Wears Prada​…)
  3. 12 Angry Men: Pretty sure the name of the film is self-explanatory. I already have enough angry men in my life.
  4. Lincoln​: Anyone who recommends this Spielberg film to me is an idiot. Presidential biopics are the ultimate dick flicks. In America, presidents are men. I mean, what would we do if we had a female president? She’d probably spend 24/7 on her Twitter bitching about everyone who doesn’t agree with her and lauding herself for passing a single shitty piece of legislation.
  5. Saving Private Ryan​: This movie is about soldiers during World War II. Several brothers die in combat. Some other soldier dudes want to save the last brother. Every time I try to count the dicks in the movie, I lose track because it’s like, there’s a dick. There’s another dick. Hey, another dick! I know in today’s modern PC culture, I’m supposed to find every story universal, but the truth is, I just can’t connect to films that don’t feature love, romance, and a frivolous, cutesy ending that makes you want to go “Awww.” Ooh, has anyone seen A Christmas Prince​?
  6. Whatever Wins the Next Academy Award for Best Picture​: It’s been about 15 years since a film with a majority female cast has won an Academy Award for Best Picture (and though I loved Chicago​, it’s pretty weird that it beat dick flicks like Polanski’s ​The Pianist​ and Scorsese’s Gangs of New York — certainly collusion). So even though ​Lady Bird ​has a near perfect Rotten Tomatoes score, my clairvoyant, manic pixie dream girl uterus suggests to me that it won’t be nominated Oscar.  Let’s be honest — it’s going to be ​Wind River​, a celebration of The Weinstein Company’s last hurrah.
  • Michelle Meyers is a writer based out of Los Angeles. She’s not afraid to make creepy jokes in front of strangers at parties


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